For so many older siblings, mom and dad go away for a few days, they come home with this stranger, routines and the status quo are thrown out the window, and everyone gets confused or frustrated when it seems like big brother or big sister isn’t adjusting well to the new addition.
The birth of a new baby is a huge transition, and so often big brothers and sisters seem a little lost in the fray. When you take a step back to look at the reality for a sibling in today’s birth culture, it makes complete sense why they feel forgotten about or disconnected from the whole process – they typically aren’t involved ahead of time, aren’t present for the main event, and are shielded from the realities of this huge life cycle change.
But what if that weren’t the case? What if instead of distancing our older kids in the name of “protection,” we brought them along and experienced it all with them?
That’s exactly what we did.
Let's start at the very beginning
Going into my second birth, we knew we wanted our son involved. For us, it only seemed natural. But we knew he wouldn’t do well at the birth if he were just thrown in. It needed context.
When I got the positive test, I was sure to tell my husband AND my son. I actually told my son first, and then he helped tell my husband (nothing formal – he literally handed my husband the pregnancy test in our bathroom 😂). We didn’t wait until the pregnancy was “safe” to tell him knowing this baby would be part of our story no matter what happened.
We quickly filled the bookshelves with “big brother” books and had him talk to my belly just like we did. He started standing with me in my weekly bump photos, learning quickly the front and profile view photo stances.
Pregnancy and Prep
From the very first one, our son came to every prenatal appointment I had. This was especially beautiful because we used our same beloved midwife, Teri, who attended our son’s birth.
She was more than happy to involve him, allowing him to press the button on the doppler to hear baby or letting him help measure my growing belly.
Beyond the books and the appointments, we talked often about the growing baby and what it takes to bring a baby earthside. While we don’t watch much TV, I did slowly start showing my son birth videos. It was less for the visual aspect and more so he could truly hear the noises a mamas make in labor and we could talk about them.
He would ask questions about why she was working so hard, why she was so loud, what she was doing as she moved – he had no fear, only curiosity.
Part of the birth plan
We talked often about involving him in the birth, knowing the plan was for him to lead the way. We invited my sister to be present at the birth to basically be his buddy.
I knew I didn’t want to have to “mom” while I was in labor, so having someone specifically assigned to him that I knew he would be comfortable with was important to me. On the flipside, I know I don’t like a filled birth space, so it was definitely a balancing act to have the extra bodies present.
The truth: How it actually went
To be honest, it went quite seamlessly. I woke up in labor at around midnight while our son was asleep. He woke at his normal time around 6, and my sister told him I was in labor. He came to check it out, told her he wanted to go play, and she helped him get breakfast and played some.
They came in and out of the room a few times, always silently. Truly, I was unaware of their comings and goings, and it was only after labor that I knew they came and went so many times. And almost like he had a sense about it, my sister said he asked to go back into the birth space a few moments before his sister was born.
He was able to witness his sister being born, and we were all able to transition into this new family dynamic together.
He was by my side when we looked to see if it was a boy or a girl, he was in bed next to me sharing his snacks as I delivered the placenta, he was there as my husband cut the cord and weighed our new baby.
Siblings belong at births
When it comes to a growing family, those first interactions between siblings are sacred just as much as they are between mom and baby and dad and baby. Our son saw the whole thing, from learning he was going to have a baby sibling to seeing my belly grow to seeing his sister come earthside. To witness the entire process gave him continuity and understanding.
Growing up, we learned about the life cycle events in Sunday school – bris/brit milah, bar/bat mitzvah, confirmation, marriage, funeral. In Judaism (as in most cultures), the traditions surrounding these life cycle events are important, but you never quite grasp the true importance until you’ve gone through them.
But in our society, it seems like many of these events – birth (and death alike) especially – have been numbed and made sanitary. We hide the realities and the transformative power from moms and families.
We treat it like a medical event rather than a beautiful, intense, and life-changing experience that it is. Removing birth from the home and from the family removes one of the most important aspects of the experience – processing and progressing as one unit.
When we exclude our kids from huge life events, their imagination will fill in the gaps. So when mom and dad disappear to have a baby in the big building where sick and hurt people go, what kinds of stories are likely to be made in their head about birth? That birth is something to fear, that it’s an emergency, that it’s scary, that it’s catastrophic.
At the end of the day, children are curious beings. We’re not born afraid of birth; we’re conditioned. Witnessing birth can help remove the stigmas surrounding birth. And it is a gift to allow them to see how the next generation enters the world.
Bringing birth home normalizes the natural process of birth, allows children to witness the raw power of a woman, and maintains integrity of the family unit processing through a major life experience together.
My son witnessed the birth of his sister, but he also witnessed the birth of a new narrative. The narrative that birth is not a medical emergency, that birth is not to be feared, birth can be peaceful and powerful, birth is a family event, birth is joyous and beautiful.
My sons will know the power, strength, and capabilities of women, and my daughters will understand how to trust their bodies and intuition without fear or shame.
Nothing in this world will ever match the feeling of climbing into my bed after birthing my second baby into the loving embrace of my husband AND son. It was both wildly special and extremely normal all at the same time
