A Husband’s Perspective: Challenge ‘normal’

I am so excited to be posting my first guest post, and I wouldn’t want it to be anyone else!  My husband took the time to write out our son’s birth story from his perspective (which is amazingly way different than mine!).  Seeing birth through the eyes of a father is such a unique and rare view. He has a lot to say, and I promise it is well worth the read! Enjoy!

I guess it’s my turn to write out our birth story from  my eyes.  

Honestly the eyes of the father do not seem to matter much in the grand scheme of pregnancy and birth.  But to me, that is like saying the coach does not matter on a football team.  Different role, but if done well, super important.  My wife is the driver behind my value in this, and with that, I offer my view of the day – the most powerful day I have ever witnessed and the most gripping feeling I have ever felt. .  

First things first-our pregnancy started with the incredible first meeting with our midwife.  I would be remiss to understate the gravity I felt in our initial meeting with our midwife, Teri, at Bundleborn.  It was just an introductory meeting to see what it would be like to work with a midwife after we had a OB/GYN meeting.  When we asked a few questions of the OB, she completely shut off.  You can tell when you are trying to be an intelligent, informed patient, this OB was not the right fit for us.  That helped set the stage for such a magnetic meeting with Teri.  When you have such a strong resonance of meeting with a person, and see the connection between 2 people (Kelsey and Teri) forge, things like ‘homebirth’ do not seem to be a risky concept.  That first meeting I knew we needed Teri, and from that moment, I was put at ease to have a homebirth. 

Homebirth is something that I had no idea about.  I really was indoctrinated with ‘you have a baby at a hospital’ talk based on being raised in the shadows of the Cleveland Clinic, and I had no idea options were available.  So when Kelsey brought up the possibility of a homebirth, I was cautious but open minded, and after some research, and after our meeting with Teri, we knew homebirth was our destiny.  

9 Months of routine check ups, 1 ultrasound, and a several week course on the Bradley method, we were ready for birth.  As ready as rookie parents can be.  

In a nutshell, labor went from dinner with my parents the night before, while my wife labored in a tub with early contractions to the door shutting and it was the 3 of us.  Just the 3 of us and our 2 dogs.  It was a blur with pillars of clarity that I will expand upon now.  

The night before the event, Kelsey was not feeling fully up to going out to dinner.   So I went to dinner with my parents.  We both knew that there was a chance this was labor, and I was in disbelief, so I went out while Kels insisted that she stay back and take a bath.  I remember my parents dropped me off, and I walked into the bathroom which I left with essential oils dissipating, darkness engulfing the room, and a warm bath for my very pregnant wife.  I walked in, and that look on her eyes was piercing.  She looked up at me, and didn’t have to say a word.  She knew our child was coming.  Knowledge only nature, and severe bodily feelings, could endow her with and that I did not have.  

We texted our midwife.  We got advice to take a massive amount of Benadryl  (the amount prescribed was staggering, I honestly thought it was enough to put momma bear into hibernation,) and to get some rest before the game, and we didn’t do a single thing else. But, we trusted our team. We had our team aligned, and we were ready. 

Something I think that was important was that we hugged each other, and cried.  We then broke our bond and went to prepare for bed.  The last night the 2 of us would just be the 2 of us (earthside, at least).  

So, I downloaded a few apps of contraction timers to capture the data, and kept the Zucker Birthing Center (what I named our home) team aware of my wife’s progress.  Early in the morning, we were in our bathroom timing contractions and wondering who we should call.  And we ended up calling our incredible, amazing doula, Shelly.  She was asleep, and I felt terrible waking her, but we called and asked what to do.  While my wife was going through early phases of labor, Shelly told us to do some exercises and walk around, make sure we stay fueled, and she would come by in a little while.  

And that is what we did.  Some exercises, and some walking.  We went outside to our back porch to watch to the sunrise, and hugged each other.  The blue-pink sky was just waking up, and welcoming us to the birth of our child.  It was a perfect, still morning.  And while the world was waking up, my wife, dressed in my blue zip up hoodie, started to have a more intense contraction.  I clicked the button, and the timer recorded the contraction.  

Side note- that timer was grounding for me. It was the one routine thing that I hung onto until our birth team was there.  I was there for my wife, doing the exercises, getting her water, taking care of our dogs, but that was all in reaction to what we needed done based on how labor was progressing.  The button on that damn timer was the one thing I knew, and I was able to do that routinely well.  I sent so many screen shots to our birth team to keep them aware, and I after each sent picture, I thought they were going to tell me to stop!

Around 7 am, our team started to arrive at our home.  It was crazy – they walked in like a prized fighter ready for the match.  The team has been anointed with knowledge from hundreds of births performed together, and eternities of knowledge in their fingertips passed from woman to woman over millennia.  I was not afraid to be alone with my wife, and I wasn’t worried.  I was excited, and I had vibrations of excitement mixed with focus.  I wasn’t worried about anything going wrong, and I was completely focused on my wife. But when the team walked it, I felt the warm blanket of knowledge drape itself around me, and allow me to focus on my wife even more.  

That was probably the most focused I have felt.  I do not think that I was more in-tune with my wife, and ready to be whatever she needed, than that day.  

One of the fun things about our labor was that Kelsey was super positive, smiling and happy the entire day. Full of tempered excitement to meet her baby, to join the fraternity of women who have given birth, and incredibly positive with every step ahead.  I am going to fail to express my awe and gratitude for my wife.  But, her attitude and tenor controlled the day and kept it light.  We did exercises, we did pressures, and just smiled and joked as we did things in our living room at the discretion of our doula.  

At some point, my mother and mother-in-law dropped off food (this was a mistake, we needed to be better prepared for food, and we will be for #2!).  They delivered a beautiful spread of sandwich items, and we had our fuel. 

Wife in labor- check

Birth team ready- check

Home full of positivity- check

Food- check

Baby- descending

Labor is a workout!! Not just for the woman pushing a baby out (obviously the most important event of the day) but also the doula and birth partner.  We did things that had me sore.  The counterpressures, the squats, the lunges…I don’t know how Kelsey did it, but labor might as well be labeled CrossFit because it was workout.  And every rep was one closer to baby.  So the soreness didn’t matter as much, the sweat didn’t matter as much, and we were just doing the reps unsure when the baby would arrive and grant us delightful reprieve.  

Eventually we made it into the birth tub, the shower, exercises on the bed.  I don’t remember the exact order.  But I remember a few things.

Kelsey needed rest, and she was able to get some while in the birth tub.  The picture taken was titled ‘the Rembrandt’ (by me) as it looks so posed and beautiful.  It wasn’t a woman in pain like Hollywood wants you to picture labor.  It was a woman in peace amidst chaos, a woman ready to join the ranks of mamas with babies.  This was when I had one of my most pronounced feelings.  I actually snuck away and wrote a few emotions down.  I wrote that, “I was feeling a part of the human story, witnessing one of the few things that ties each and every human on earth.  Birth is one of the few common threads we all have in the fabric of the human experience, and I have a front row seat to witness it.”  

A contraction woke Kelsey up.  

Eventually, Kelsey made it into the shower with water running on her back as she did some moaning.  Kelsey was on all fours with contractions becoming more painful.  Having a small shower, and the ball and my wife taking up the space I held her hand through the glass door. 

Don’t forget – every moment of the day was experienced with immense pride of my wife.  I was so proud, and I was so in awe of her.  She surrendered to the natural process of labor, and let the journey take its course while safely shepherding our little one earthside.  

I let her hand go as she meditated in the shower, lights dim and oils diffusing.  

I haven’t mentioned the student midwife, Nikki, who was also part of our team.  She was another incredible presence on our team.  Our birthing team had to be the best in the world.  We were so blessed to have them dedicate their skills and time to our birth. So if we haven’t said it enough, thank you.  

Nikki and I sat against the bathroom counter, and I had my jaw open and was just saying how amazing the event I was witnessing was.  It was simply amazing. 

I was then told to go get a snack, drink a bit, and then be ready.  While I went and got a sandwich, Nikki performed  a maneuver on Kelsey that put the baby’s head in a good position to exit, and that was followed by some moans of pain.  And then we did some bed work.  Baby was almost here, and we were reaching the crescendo of labor. 

Somehow, we ended up on the ground when pushing began, but it was where we needed to be.  And 30 long minutes later, we heard a cry.  Then we had a baby on my wife’s chest, and we felt that it was a boy.  Baby Z then had a name, and Keeva William Zucker was here.  With his head tilted to the left, he took his first breath, and we all cried.  Keeva William was here!!!

The first hour or so after he arrived, we just sat in awe.  We did the necessary post birth tests and such, and my wife made her way to the bed and ate some eggs.  She performed her all important duty of peeing, and made it back to bed.  Keeva was weighed, measured, and diapered. 

I cut the cord, and watched the placenta be packed up to be made into pills for my wife.  For the dads reading this, the baby is cute and covered with stuff.  The placenta is the organ that your wife GREW to support the baby, and then birthed after the baby came.  I remember thanking the placenta for giving my son the nourishment and support it needed.  Another resounding and impactful reminder of how amazing and evolved women’s bodies are.  

I am breezing through some of these things because they were in fact a blur.  But I remember what I felt, and how amazed I was with the strength of women at that moment.  My wife was a rock star that day.  I can go on and on and on with her strength, her stamina, her determination, and her presence under pressure of labor, but that is indescribable.  Kelsey was a revelation to watch.  She navigated labor as comfortably as having coffee with a friend.  She was able to echo positivity in her mind and outside to keep us all at ease.  Kelsey was able to do whatever was needed for our child, and at the end of it, she did exactly what was best for her and baby.  Happy mom and happy baby: both healthy at the end of the day was achieved. 

But a word on our birth team.  I am going to romanticize it a bit, mainly because this was my first homebirth.  However, our team was world class.  People ask me about birth, and I have come to know a fair bit about it, and I can only echo how perfect it is and how amazing the event is because of this birth  team.  Chaired by my wife, led by the midwives, moments captured by our photographer…it was all world class.  

Fellow dads reading, or those in doubt of what labor is, don’t.  Get a photographer, and document the moments.  Reliving that day via the pictures our artist of a photographer took are some of my wife and my favorite moments.  

Another question I often get.  What was the most incredible part of the birth?  Well, it was that loud silence that we had right after the door shut, our birth team left, and it was just the 3 of us.  The nice thing about being at home for the birth was we were home with our family right as it happened and right afterwards.  We were home.  But that silence after that door shut that was the loudest silence I ever heard.  The pressure of being a partner to someone who was pregnant was gone.  My shoulders were now loaded with the weight of being a father, and a leader of our family. As that weight settled in, I remember blinking and saying ‘game time.’

That door shut, and as we turned towards each other, we both had this embrace and tears flowed.  It was us, now formally the 3 of us, and we were a family.  Off on this new adventure of parenthood as the Zucker family.

A final thought on homebirth…

I wanted to address one more item before finishing this recollection of Keeva’s birthday.  It’s about the stigma and the turbulence that we had when telling friends and family about having a homebirth.  From being on a homebirth dads panel and meeting partners of other crunchy mommas having a homebirth, I can say there are stigmas about homebirth we all fight.  The most common being what I was always told which is that birthing happens at hospitals.  Which is true- most of it does.  

So to kind of turn my mind, I started with a simple premise- I want my wife and my baby to have the healthiest birthing experience we could possibly have, statement we all hopefully agree with.  I asked another simple question: how could we achieve that outcome?  And after extensive research, talking with other friends and a few doctors, we came to a unique perspective.  What is best for momma would lead to the best labor experience.  Which further split my mind.  One side was, well, if homebirth was best for my wife, then we do it because it reduces stress, allows for the natural process of labor to occur, negates any early release of labor-stopping hormones, etc.  Lots of good.  The other side was the statistics, and available data which I find comfort in that showed that non-desired labor outcomes are  a factor of many things, one being cascades of interventions by medical providers.  Interventions which my wife did not want.  And also safety- with Kesley’s health factors and my wife’s incredible fitness, we were good candidates for a safe birth.  She and Baby didn’t carry risks which would require an OB’s skillset or a hospital’s resources.  

My wife’s comfort led to our discovery of homebirth, and just by bouncing this idea down a logical path, and finding what made homebirth risky – characteristics we did not have –   brought calmness to the decision.  Homebirth it is!  And now, I don’t know why anyone would be against home birth in most cases! 

All that to say is this- challenge your perception of birth, challenge your perception of what ‘normal,’ should be, and focus on your partner’s needs.