"You're So Brave"
That’s typically the first thing I hear when I tell someone I had a homebirth. No matter how many times I hear it, it never sits right. It took me a long time to figure out why it felt wrong, but it finally hit me: I’m not brave for making a choice that made me comfortable. For me, it would have been brave to have a hospital birth, something I am distinctly uncomfortable with. But choosing something I wanted? That doesn’t make me brave. Maybe sticking to the plan in the face of societal and some familial pressure to make a different choice could be considered brave, but the act in and of itself for me was not brave.
So How Did We Decide…?
Long story short, it felt right, we researched our options, and we trusted our guts. When we first got pregnant, I realized I was already nervous about the future drive to the hospital. Not labor, not birth itself, not even necessarily the hospital itself. It was the thought of being in labor and having to get in a car to move locations. That was my first hint that maybe a hospital birth wasn’t for me. Still, all we knew was what society tells you: you get a positive pregnancy test, you go to the OBGYN to confirm it (even though their pee stick is probably the same one you used at home), you get a bunch of ultrasounds, and then you go to the hospital to lay on your back and push your baby out. We went to an appointment with our OB when I was about 5 and a half weeks pregnant, and it went poorly to put it kindly. It started out fine, and the doctor answered many of my pre-formulated questions like “what’s your c-section rate” and “can I give birth without an epidural” (to which her answer was “you can try.” That should have been a big red flag!). Then she mentioned an appointment for an ultrasound the next week to “confirm the pregnancy and to make sure everything is developing correctly.” We said we’d prefer to skip that because it made zero difference to us. I was pregnant, things were going well or they weren’t, and there isn’t much of anything they can do to fix things if it were the latter. We were sure of our dates, we weren’t going to change anything regardless of what the ultrasound said, and we said we’d prefer to not have an unnecessary medical procedure. She did NOT like my answer, and she completely shut down. The rest of the appointment, she barely made eye contact, her answers became single words, and her desire to leave the room was palpable. It was clear I had been labeled “problem child” in her head. The worst part? She never even confirmed the pregnancy! She walked into the room, and she started talking about what appointments we needed to schedule. We literally had to stop her a few minutes in after our shock settled, and my husband said, “I assume this means we’re pregnant?” She said yes and continued on her script, but there was no excitement or congratulations about this life-changing news. I was just another routine patient. Ironically, I chose this practice a few years back because they were more natural minded and sympathetic to births without an epidural which was the one thing I’ve known I wanted in my birth since I started thinking about having kids.
We walked out of that appointment, and my husband turned to me: “She’s not delivering our baby, right?” I said I’d prefer not, but I really had no idea where to turn. I started thinking about how I could find another OB quickly. I did more and more research about birth in my area, and birth centers and midwives kept popping up. I asked my husband if he would consider a birth center, and he was probably against the idea but that he’d meet with someone about it if I wanted to. I found a midwife who radiated kindness through her website, and I made an appointment. Or tried to. I emailed her to say I was interested in more information (and her first response was a big, all-caps congratulations on the pregnancy….imagine that!), and we played email tag trying to find a time we could meet. Finally, she said to just come in after clinic hours to accommodate our schedule. Not only did she stay late to meet with us, but she also talked with us for an hour and a half. We never once felt rushed, like any of our questions were dumb, or like she wanted to leave. Little did we know that Teri only does homebirths. So my husband who was skeptical of a birth center birth walked out of the meeting with Teri saying, “so, she’s delivering our baby, right?” We emailed her on the drive home saying that we wanted to book our birth with her. We struck gold when we found Teri. And that made all the difference. Having the right team in place changes everything. Our team gave us the confidence and resources to dream up and execute our birth. From the beginning, the care we received from our OB versus Teri was night and day. We were more than patients to Teri; we were a growing family to partner with as we entered this next chapter of our life.
Homebirth is not for everyone
… and hospital birth is not for everyone. I was lucky enough to have a low risk pregnancy and was a great candidate for a homebirth. My husband and I worked hard to prepare as there is an unfortunately steep learning curve between birthing naturally at home and what is accepted in more mainstream birthing. When you think about the time and energy people put into planning their weddings, it makes me question why we don’t apply that same energy and effort to the next life cycle event. Let’s be clear – you don’t accidentally have a planned drug-free birth. You don’t happen to know all the helpful positions for labor. You don’t delay cord clamping or do immediate skin-to-skin by chance (though if left undisturbed, a mama’s gut would tell her to do all of these things). These things take focus, effort, education, and trust in the woman’s body. When we chose to have a homebirth, we assumed the responsibility of the required dedication. That being said, none of what we did should be out of the ordinary. Our birth plan was simply honor the process, get out of nature’s way, and let things happen in their own time. Birth is easy when we don’t make it complicated, but in America, women have been told repeatedly that they don’t know how to birth their babies and that even the healthiest or lowest risk among us require hospitalization and numerous interventions to make it happen. I am grateful for the advances in medicine that are able to help women and babies that need the help, but that doesn’t mean all women and babies need those services.
At a time when some women are turning away from hospitals, it’s an opportunity for mamas to understand that there are other options available. Low risk, completely healthy women don’t need to unnecessarily expose themselves and their newborn to the sickness contained in the walls of a hospital. Mama, you have options. When I was pregnant, it was shocking to me how much of my pregnancy and birth was just assumed. I remember people asking how my first ultrasound was and the look of shock when I said I hadn’t had one. As I progressed through my pregnancy, I realized how very different the care I was receiving was compared to mainstream prenatal care. I didn’t start seeing my midwife until I was 12 weeks, each appointment was a full hour that felt more like catching up with an old friend than a doctor’s appointment, and in the end, I got to invite these women – my birth team that became family over 9 months – into my home to share the most intimate and empowering experience of my life. I was never pushed into any medical decisions, discussion was always first, and it truly felt like a partnership with my provider. She trusted my husband and I to do our due diligence as parents, and she guided us, provided information, and allowed us to chase the birth we wanted.
Trust your body, and know what options are available at all stages of pregnancy, labor, and birth. Surrender to the process. Get out of your body’s way, and work with your baby. Birth can be so much more than we have been led to believe.
Weather you feel brave or not, you are incredibly brave to take controll over you and your baby’s health! My generation didn’t have the tools or knowledge of midwife’s or home births that we have today. You have always been brave and you always keep learning. Keep doing what you love friend, I enjoy all your work!
I remember when we brought stats into the picture, and compared drug free birth with traditional hospital and intervention birth. Numbers we really had to dig for, and it painted a clear picture. For us, healthy momma and healthy baby had the greatest probability with a natural birth. The first condition being what keeps stress levels lowest. Stress was a very high prediction of intervention and escalation In hospital births.
Another shocking figure, I qualitatively figured out along this journey, was how little the average woman knows about pregnancy, labor, birth, and natural methods. Momma’s have given birth for a long time. Nature has developed women’s bodies to do incredible things, things which drugs often derail. Not being a woman I wouldn’t understand how suited my body is for labor. But being a human has me thirsty for understanding options. I would want to know all options, no matter what.